Words can't even BEGIN to express how JOYFUL we are to be expecting not one, but TWO babies that we so deeply prayed for! I wouldn't change one thing about our situation but with double the blessing, double the love, double the joy, I also have moments where I experience double the fear.
“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up” (Proverbs 12:25, NIV).
I remember going into work the night after I found out we were having twins. I work night shift (thankfully just two 12 hour shifts a week) and I feel everything seems darker, gloomier and just over all down at night. That night at work I was suddenly hit with a whole new set of emotions. The joy and excitement suddenly turned into "How am I going to do this?"
“I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).
Suddenly just one baby sounded SOOOOO easy and two seemed near impossible! If it was just one, I could devote everything I had to just ONE little one. After all there is a reason a baby grows for 9 months right? It gives you time for each baby you have to age a bit, for you to get a hold on how to become a good mom slowly and gradually, one at a time. I felt like learning to juggle you start out with one ball... then add two and when you are finally ready, the third ball is added to make the juggling process a gradual learning experience that doesn't seem so hard in the end. I felt that night, and still have moments, where I feel as if someone is throwing 3 balls at me, all at once where I have NO IDEA what I am doing and all the balls just fall on the floor in a heaping mess.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).
How could I breastfeed TWO babies? What happens when I am by myself and they BOTH cry?
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7)
And forget about when the babies arrive, how would I make it through this pregnancy? It can be so scary hearing how high risk twin pregnancies can be. Preterm labor, NICU time, all such scary thoughts. Also, how would my body carry these babies.. I see pictures of pregnant with twin bellies that look un-human like they are going to EXPLODE!
“Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?’” (Luke 12:22-26, NIV).
I know all these fears are normal, and at the end of the day I wouldn't trade our situation for the WORLD! This is God's plan for me! He trusts that I can do it and I trust in Him that he will equip me with all that I need to do this! His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
When I think of the two precious lives forming inside me, and imagining looking into our sweet babies eyes for the first time, I know all the fear will melt away and I will forget all about the aches, pains and anxieties of this pregnancy. I praise God that he is my strength in all things. I CANT WAIT to meet these little ones and to take on all the challenges that come with twins :)
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Flowers that Luke surprised me with, when I was having a bad "twin day" :)
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