Hi friends! If you have been reading my blog for a while now, you know that we have had an incredible journey of trying to conceive, fertility problems. and pregnancy loss. You can read about my other two pregnancies HERE and HERE and you can read about my miscarriages HERE and HERE.
I will say that with each loss and each time of trying again, it hasn't been easy but it has certainly been easier this time around, already having three happy and healthy babies. I feel SO blessed to have the three babies that I do, and I know that my body IS capable of pregnancy and carrying full term babies. Not ever having kids and wondering if its something you'll be able to do was a much harder thought to grasp. Having already walked down this road, you just have a more seasoned approach and a deep trust with God but please know there were several teary and weary days. I feel like I am blessed beyond measure with my three, but always have felt like we weren't done and no matter how few or many children you have, every woman yearns for more babies until her family feels complete.
I knew Walker would not be my last baby, or at least we didn't want him to be our last. So last June 2016 we began to not prevent. He was 13 months and we thought it would probably take a year just like our other pregnancies did (and it DID) in October we discovered I was pregnant for the first time without any medical help! We were thrilled but ended up loosing the pregnancy and I had a D&C on November 1st. We tried a couple more months and since I continued to have no periods (from my PCOS) we decided we needed some meds to help me ovulate and get cycles once again. Without this incredible medicine I do not ovulate at all.
With the twins we took Clomid which has anywhere from a 5-10% chance of multiples (we were in the 5-10% minority and with Walker we took femara, a newer drug to help you ovulate but has less negative side effects and a small chance of multiples 0-4%, some doctors say no increased chance. We took this with Walker and got our singleton! So when it was time to try again, my doctor put me on the lowest dose of femara again, and we were sure we would get just one baby. We tried three cycles in a row on the femara and were unsuccessful each month. I got pregnant with Jack Henry and Hadley on my third medicated cycle. I got pregnant the first medicated cycle when trying for Walker, but lost that baby and tried 4 more months and got pregnant the fourth time with Walker. So when I was going into try for the fourth month this time around, I began to worry, if I didn't get pregnant this time, it would be the longest I had ever tried with medication. My doctor told me it usually takes 3-6 months so I began to wonder, if I make it month 6, without any luck, then what? Will he let me keep trying or cut me off and send me to a reproductive endocrinologist? I couldn't even think about drastic measures like IVF for baby number FOUR. I felt like maybe I would accept the three that I have and maybe adopt if that was what God was wanting me to do. I tried to not let my mind go that far, but there were nights where I went there.
Month four came and I began to feel weary. But THAT was my month!!! It is incredible that each time I felt like I couldn't do it anymore, I was blessed with a baby. I can't wait to share with you finding out I was pregnant and then finding out it was twins. Thats my next post.
Please weary sisters, know there is hope. If you look at me having 5 kids (5 and under) theres no way you would know I deal with infertility and loss but I am living proof of a miraculous God who answers prayers and who is so so gracious. Not everyones prayers will be answered in the ways mine was. And there are days where I am like, WOW Lord, this is A LOT! But Jesus is helping me through every hard day, and if you have PCOS, there is HOPE!
I am 30 years old and have figured I have spent 3 years (10% of my life) trying to get pregnant, and friends, it is HARD. But God is so so good. This is very very likely (unless God changes our hearts after these babies arrivals) our last pregnancy. We feel like our family will be completed. I am soaking up every moment of this pregnancy but am also okay putting this chapter behind me. Trying and trying and trying for babies. Now my husband and I can now practice all we want without the pressure of baby making, just fun :) More soon friends!
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Our Second Loss
Saturday, October 29, 2016
WARNING: This post is long and its personal. It is mostly for my own healing, being able to write out what I have been through and what I am feeling and the ability to look back and remember this in the future.
As I sit here writing this post, I feel almost numb. It has been a little more than 24 hours now when Luke and I and our youngest, Walker, sat in the ultrasound room and heard the words "I'm so sorry" from the doctor. Words you never want to hear when you gaze at a black and white screen searching for the baby and listening for the heart that you have already fallen so in love with.
OUR ROAD
This pregnancy was the greatest of gifts as it was quite a surprise. If you have been a reader of this blog or know me on any personal level you know that while we are incredibly blessed with not one or two but THREE incredibly beautiful, sweet, healthy and precious lives, 3 under a 3 year time period in fact (although we did cheat a little with twins :) You would also know that these sweet babies didn't come easy. While our story doesn't begin to touch so many others that struggle with getting pregnant, we did have a road to getting pregnant that required medical intervention and it has always taken a year to get pregnant with each pregnancy. (You can read more about our story HERE and HERE) We aren't one of those couples who can get pregnant right away which is why were shocked and thrilled to find out we were expecting our 4th baby.
FINDING OUT
We were planning and hoping to be pregnant with number 4 in the spring which meant sometime in November we would start the process that we have always followed. The emotional process of inducing periods and taking ovulatory meds and waiting and praying and hopefully in the next 6-12 months we would get that beautiful positive test that is so wanted but at times seems almost impossible. But while Luke was in Colorado a month ago, I was thinking it had been 70 days or so since my last period, which is not unusual for me. My breasts felt larger and I felt super hungry so for some crazy reason, I thought it might be fun to test and had some intuition to test. It was so bizarre because I really didn't feel pregnant and I was 99% sure I wasn't, but it was almost as the Lord put it on my heart and I almost like a robot just went into the store without even thinking to buy the test. Luke and I hadn't been preventing pregnancy in any way since early summer. We have done this a lot over the last 5 years (not preventing) because we know how challenging it can be for us to conceive so we always say, it can't hurt to try, and even though it may be a little sooner than we would "like" as far as planning spacing between our kids ( I LOVED our gap of 2 years and 9 months between the twins and Walker) we knew we would be ecstatic to get pregnant on our own and we might also kick ourselves for preventing if our fertility journey ended up being a super long one. So I was SHOCKED and ECSTATIC to see a positive test!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I begin praising Jesus, and thanking Him for this miraculous gift! I was getting ready to pick my husband AND my mom up from the airport in a few short hours. They just so happened to arrive with in an hour of each other, my mom was visiting for the week and Luke was returning from a business trip. I told the twins and recorded it and showed them both in the car at the same time when I picked them up from the airport! It was so awesome to celebrate with my mom and my husband at the same time. Life was GOOD! I was a bit anxious to have Walker and this new baby about 25 months apart, but I was just happy to have gotten pregnant on our own and knew this baby had such a purpose and was meant for our family.
THE PREGNANCY
Over the next week I begin to get VERY sick. I had zero morning sickness with the twins and had about two weeks of manageable queasiness with Walker so I considered myself to be on of the lucky women who don't get sick with pregnancies. From about week 6 to currently ( I am still "pregnant" at 8/9 weeks as I type this) I had a CONSTANT sick stomach with no break or relief. It was really hard and pretty miserable to feel so sick especially while feeling the fatigue of the pregnancy and taking care of my other three babies. I had to be put on prescription meds that helped but never fully relieved what I was feeling. I told family, my community group and the other pastor's wives at our church since we went on a trip together and I had to explain why I felt so sick and I had to explain my baby bump. You guys, this is honestly the hardest part of losing a pregnancy when you are showing and look so pregnant. I had had an ultrasound around what we thought was week 5. My last period was back in July and so because of the dating, how far my last period was, the doctor wanted to check things out. I had spotting a couple weeks before my positive test that looking back I assumed was implantation bleeding and I took one of those at home tests that told me how far along I was based on my hormone levels. My doctor agreed I looked about 5 weeks along, and because of that, he could see a healthy gestational sac but couldn't see a baby yet because it often takes until week 6 or 7 to see a baby. He wasn't too concerned but did want to draw some HCG blood levels 48 hours apart and make sure they rose appropriately to confirm it was a viable pregnancy. If the levels were appropriate he would schedule me another ultrasound in a couple of weeks. They came back PERFECT. They had more than doubled and he was happy with my levels, but I did have low progesterone which is the hormone responsible for keeping the baby alive until the placenta takes over at 12 weeks. I was low with the twins too and was supplemented with them. He wrote me a prescription for progesterone and I began taking it. I didn't like that they were low but I had been through this before so I wasn't too worried. I had found enough strength to run to the grocery to get some essentials like bland crackers and sparkling soda to get me through the nausea and after coming home, I got out of the car and started feeling some cramping. I walked in the house a felt myself starting to bleed. I went to the restroom and confirmed the blood. I have had a miscarriage before which you can read about HERE so I thought I was loosing the baby. I began to weep and called my husband who came home and stayed with the kids the rest of the day so I could rest. I called the doctor and he told me my levels had looked good the DAY BEFORE and usually you wouldn't see blood that soon after good levels. They said bleeding in the first trimester happens sometime and just to watch the amount of blood and just wait until my already scheduled ultrasound which was about 10 days away. My bleeding stopped almost immediately and for the next 10 days I had NO bleeding, constant nausea and my bump kept growing. I KNEW I was still pregnant. I went on a retreat with the other pastors wives from my church to Las Vegas (yes, that is super funny, I know) where I had the sweetest time with these sisters. Growing as women and learning to be better daughters of Christ, wives and mothers. It was the best time and I felt super pregnant the whole time. I actually threw up into the puke bag on the plane lol. I looked so pregnant that people off the street would ask me how far along I was. The pregnancy was HARD but my ultrasound was one day away and I was just excited to be reassured.
OUR SAD NEWS
I had flown back into Dallas the night before my appointment. The next morning we dropped the twins off at preschool and Luke and I took our toddler with us to the appointment. When the doctor began the ultrasound I could immediately see the sac and this time it looked much larger than last time. I was trying to see a baby, and I could tell, my doctor was too. He kept moving the probe around, and said "okay, I can see the sac" he began to measure it and start taking pictures. I was waiting for him to say and theres the baby, but he didn't. He said "unfortunately, I am so sorry, but I don't see the baby." My heart sunk immediately but somehow it didn't register with me until I began to hear him explain. Apparently, when my egg became fertilized, the chromosomes were not correct or healthy enough for the embryo to progress. This is call a blighted ovum. Your body still thinks you are pregnant. My hormone levels increased appropriately, my womb grew and is full of fluid. I have a full formed placenta, I have a sac, I have everything I need, but I no longer have a baby.
PRAYERS
Tuesday I will have a D&C to get rid of everything that is formed inside me. I am sad about this. I always said if I had the option I would opt to pass naturally but I can't bear to look down at my pregnant tummy and continue to feel sick and know that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. He said I am pregnant enough that the miscarriage would be painful and messy. I don't want to go though that especially if no baby will even be passed. I also don't want to wait around for this process. The doctor said the pregnancy will continue until my body finally figures there is no baby. That could take up to a month. I can't bear to walk around with people asking me about my pregnancy having to explain. At this point, I just want to not feel pregnant anymore. The next steps are waiting for period to come after the D&C and whenever we are ready we can try again. I don't know what this will look like for us yet. I don't know when I will be ready again but I what I do know is God is still good. I know His plan is greater than mine and I know He has drawn me so close to Him through this. I have felt His presence so closely and I am more in love with Jesus than I was yesterday. It has been beautiful to walk through this along side my husband, it has brought us even closer together. It has been beautiful for the twins to process this and for us to say Jesus is still praiseworthy and good. They are sad. They were so excited and now they are having to learn the hardships of life. But they are excited to see their two little siblings in heaven one day.
The most amazing part of this has been seeing Christ's church at work. Guys, the friends and family who have reached out with calls, texts, flowers, meals, prayers and love has been overwhelming. They truly have been the hands and feet of Jesus and I know that God is looking down on them with adoration and thankfulness. They are loving me so well and He delights in that.
So, right now, I look pregnant, I feel pregnant, and I am pregnant but the major piece in pregnancy is now gone. It is hard to understand but I know that He is so faithful and we will be blessed again when His timing is right and I appreciate this experience. Its painful but this is shaping me into the woman the Lord wants me to be.
Thank you guys for your love and prayers. If you could please pray for me on Tuesday. That my procedure would go smoothly, that my body would fully heal and that my heart would continue to heal. I had several friends give me different scriptures that my heart has clung to and I wanted to share those verses with you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1 Peter 1:6-7
Thank you Chelsea.
I had to add words over my belly in this to hide it on my Instagram, but now I just want to remember it.
As I sit here writing this post, I feel almost numb. It has been a little more than 24 hours now when Luke and I and our youngest, Walker, sat in the ultrasound room and heard the words "I'm so sorry" from the doctor. Words you never want to hear when you gaze at a black and white screen searching for the baby and listening for the heart that you have already fallen so in love with.
OUR ROAD
This pregnancy was the greatest of gifts as it was quite a surprise. If you have been a reader of this blog or know me on any personal level you know that while we are incredibly blessed with not one or two but THREE incredibly beautiful, sweet, healthy and precious lives, 3 under a 3 year time period in fact (although we did cheat a little with twins :) You would also know that these sweet babies didn't come easy. While our story doesn't begin to touch so many others that struggle with getting pregnant, we did have a road to getting pregnant that required medical intervention and it has always taken a year to get pregnant with each pregnancy. (You can read more about our story HERE and HERE) We aren't one of those couples who can get pregnant right away which is why were shocked and thrilled to find out we were expecting our 4th baby.
FINDING OUT
We were planning and hoping to be pregnant with number 4 in the spring which meant sometime in November we would start the process that we have always followed. The emotional process of inducing periods and taking ovulatory meds and waiting and praying and hopefully in the next 6-12 months we would get that beautiful positive test that is so wanted but at times seems almost impossible. But while Luke was in Colorado a month ago, I was thinking it had been 70 days or so since my last period, which is not unusual for me. My breasts felt larger and I felt super hungry so for some crazy reason, I thought it might be fun to test and had some intuition to test. It was so bizarre because I really didn't feel pregnant and I was 99% sure I wasn't, but it was almost as the Lord put it on my heart and I almost like a robot just went into the store without even thinking to buy the test. Luke and I hadn't been preventing pregnancy in any way since early summer. We have done this a lot over the last 5 years (not preventing) because we know how challenging it can be for us to conceive so we always say, it can't hurt to try, and even though it may be a little sooner than we would "like" as far as planning spacing between our kids ( I LOVED our gap of 2 years and 9 months between the twins and Walker) we knew we would be ecstatic to get pregnant on our own and we might also kick ourselves for preventing if our fertility journey ended up being a super long one. So I was SHOCKED and ECSTATIC to see a positive test!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I begin praising Jesus, and thanking Him for this miraculous gift! I was getting ready to pick my husband AND my mom up from the airport in a few short hours. They just so happened to arrive with in an hour of each other, my mom was visiting for the week and Luke was returning from a business trip. I told the twins and recorded it and showed them both in the car at the same time when I picked them up from the airport! It was so awesome to celebrate with my mom and my husband at the same time. Life was GOOD! I was a bit anxious to have Walker and this new baby about 25 months apart, but I was just happy to have gotten pregnant on our own and knew this baby had such a purpose and was meant for our family.
THE PREGNANCY
Over the next week I begin to get VERY sick. I had zero morning sickness with the twins and had about two weeks of manageable queasiness with Walker so I considered myself to be on of the lucky women who don't get sick with pregnancies. From about week 6 to currently ( I am still "pregnant" at 8/9 weeks as I type this) I had a CONSTANT sick stomach with no break or relief. It was really hard and pretty miserable to feel so sick especially while feeling the fatigue of the pregnancy and taking care of my other three babies. I had to be put on prescription meds that helped but never fully relieved what I was feeling. I told family, my community group and the other pastor's wives at our church since we went on a trip together and I had to explain why I felt so sick and I had to explain my baby bump. You guys, this is honestly the hardest part of losing a pregnancy when you are showing and look so pregnant. I had had an ultrasound around what we thought was week 5. My last period was back in July and so because of the dating, how far my last period was, the doctor wanted to check things out. I had spotting a couple weeks before my positive test that looking back I assumed was implantation bleeding and I took one of those at home tests that told me how far along I was based on my hormone levels. My doctor agreed I looked about 5 weeks along, and because of that, he could see a healthy gestational sac but couldn't see a baby yet because it often takes until week 6 or 7 to see a baby. He wasn't too concerned but did want to draw some HCG blood levels 48 hours apart and make sure they rose appropriately to confirm it was a viable pregnancy. If the levels were appropriate he would schedule me another ultrasound in a couple of weeks. They came back PERFECT. They had more than doubled and he was happy with my levels, but I did have low progesterone which is the hormone responsible for keeping the baby alive until the placenta takes over at 12 weeks. I was low with the twins too and was supplemented with them. He wrote me a prescription for progesterone and I began taking it. I didn't like that they were low but I had been through this before so I wasn't too worried. I had found enough strength to run to the grocery to get some essentials like bland crackers and sparkling soda to get me through the nausea and after coming home, I got out of the car and started feeling some cramping. I walked in the house a felt myself starting to bleed. I went to the restroom and confirmed the blood. I have had a miscarriage before which you can read about HERE so I thought I was loosing the baby. I began to weep and called my husband who came home and stayed with the kids the rest of the day so I could rest. I called the doctor and he told me my levels had looked good the DAY BEFORE and usually you wouldn't see blood that soon after good levels. They said bleeding in the first trimester happens sometime and just to watch the amount of blood and just wait until my already scheduled ultrasound which was about 10 days away. My bleeding stopped almost immediately and for the next 10 days I had NO bleeding, constant nausea and my bump kept growing. I KNEW I was still pregnant. I went on a retreat with the other pastors wives from my church to Las Vegas (yes, that is super funny, I know) where I had the sweetest time with these sisters. Growing as women and learning to be better daughters of Christ, wives and mothers. It was the best time and I felt super pregnant the whole time. I actually threw up into the puke bag on the plane lol. I looked so pregnant that people off the street would ask me how far along I was. The pregnancy was HARD but my ultrasound was one day away and I was just excited to be reassured.
OUR SAD NEWS
I had flown back into Dallas the night before my appointment. The next morning we dropped the twins off at preschool and Luke and I took our toddler with us to the appointment. When the doctor began the ultrasound I could immediately see the sac and this time it looked much larger than last time. I was trying to see a baby, and I could tell, my doctor was too. He kept moving the probe around, and said "okay, I can see the sac" he began to measure it and start taking pictures. I was waiting for him to say and theres the baby, but he didn't. He said "unfortunately, I am so sorry, but I don't see the baby." My heart sunk immediately but somehow it didn't register with me until I began to hear him explain. Apparently, when my egg became fertilized, the chromosomes were not correct or healthy enough for the embryo to progress. This is call a blighted ovum. Your body still thinks you are pregnant. My hormone levels increased appropriately, my womb grew and is full of fluid. I have a full formed placenta, I have a sac, I have everything I need, but I no longer have a baby.
PRAYERS
Tuesday I will have a D&C to get rid of everything that is formed inside me. I am sad about this. I always said if I had the option I would opt to pass naturally but I can't bear to look down at my pregnant tummy and continue to feel sick and know that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. He said I am pregnant enough that the miscarriage would be painful and messy. I don't want to go though that especially if no baby will even be passed. I also don't want to wait around for this process. The doctor said the pregnancy will continue until my body finally figures there is no baby. That could take up to a month. I can't bear to walk around with people asking me about my pregnancy having to explain. At this point, I just want to not feel pregnant anymore. The next steps are waiting for period to come after the D&C and whenever we are ready we can try again. I don't know what this will look like for us yet. I don't know when I will be ready again but I what I do know is God is still good. I know His plan is greater than mine and I know He has drawn me so close to Him through this. I have felt His presence so closely and I am more in love with Jesus than I was yesterday. It has been beautiful to walk through this along side my husband, it has brought us even closer together. It has been beautiful for the twins to process this and for us to say Jesus is still praiseworthy and good. They are sad. They were so excited and now they are having to learn the hardships of life. But they are excited to see their two little siblings in heaven one day.
The most amazing part of this has been seeing Christ's church at work. Guys, the friends and family who have reached out with calls, texts, flowers, meals, prayers and love has been overwhelming. They truly have been the hands and feet of Jesus and I know that God is looking down on them with adoration and thankfulness. They are loving me so well and He delights in that.
So, right now, I look pregnant, I feel pregnant, and I am pregnant but the major piece in pregnancy is now gone. It is hard to understand but I know that He is so faithful and we will be blessed again when His timing is right and I appreciate this experience. Its painful but this is shaping me into the woman the Lord wants me to be.
Thank you guys for your love and prayers. If you could please pray for me on Tuesday. That my procedure would go smoothly, that my body would fully heal and that my heart would continue to heal. I had several friends give me different scriptures that my heart has clung to and I wanted to share those verses with you.
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
Thank you Mia.
In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1 Peter 1:6-7
Thank you Chelsea.
I had to add words over my belly in this to hide it on my Instagram, but now I just want to remember it.
Getting pregnant the second time around...
Sunday, October 26, 2014
I just want to thank all of you sweet friends for all of the encouragement, support and joy that you have shared with us after our announcement this week. We are beyond thrilled and feel so very blessed.
At the same time, I know friends, that many of you are struggling to get pregnant. You may look at me with two 2 year olds and one on the way and feel like I can't relate to you. And while I know that my road is not the hardest, and I have been so lucky and blessed to be pregnant, I still understand the struggle. I have very close friends who still don't have baby #1 and I know my journey may pale in comparison to many of you readers. But please know, I understand the frustration of waiting longer than you would like and wondering what steps you will have to endure to conceive. I am NOT one of those lucky women who can get pregnant the first month they try. But know that each one of us have struggles in life that are unique in our own stories. Just because you are super fertile doesn't mean you have your whole life together, just as taking me a year to get pregnant seems SO no big deal when I look at my sister in law and best friend, a 38 year old widow and mother of three who I am SURE would love to go through a year of trying in a second in comparison to the unimaginable road she is on. Its all about perspective friends.
With all of that being said, I know those pregnancy announcements that seem to pop up in your news feeds on the daily when you are trying so for a baby can be so hard but please know I will not stop praying for all of you and will rejoice when you one day receive your good news. Please keep sharing with me your stories!
So many of you know that I have PCOS which you can learn about here. You can read about the beginning of our road to number two and my miscarriage here. Much of the beginning of our story for baby number three is written in my miscarriage story but to give you the rest of the story and to sum it up, I will tell it here...
The day after the twins first birthday was the day we decided we would "not-prevent." I was winding up nursing my twins and still had not had a period. The day after their birthday I got my first period since having the twins which I felt was such confirmation from God, as we were a little scared to start trying so early after having twins, but knew we would regret not trying if it took us a while to get pregnant like with the twins. That period was in August and I got one more in October all on my own but when January came and I still didn't have a period I went to my new OB to discuss options.
Since it had been almost 6 months of trying and still no regular periods we decided to get started on meds. I had to be put on provera which is a 14 day progesterone drug and within 14 days of being off the drug, you get a period. I started on that and then we chose to try Femara, a new drug that is being used to help ovulation happen (lower chance of twins than with my previous clomid.) I got put back on metformin and started my first round of femara and BOOM! I was pregnant. I couldn't believe how fast it was! So I got my period in February and found out I was pregnant in early March but miscarried soon after.
I had to wait a whole cycle to get put back on provera to get a period all over again and this time I took my femera but never got a period, which means I didn't ovulate.
I then got put back on provera again. This was the hardest part. I feel like if I had a chance every 28 days like most women things would be SO much easier but the waiting to induce a period thing, really stinks. I got a cycle and my doc upped my femara dosage. I was in Louisville (late July) when I was supposed to test and I really felt like I was pregnant. I had all the right symptoms BUT what I didn't know was that I was not pregnant but just PMSing. Since January of 2011, I have only had 3 natural, un-medically induced periods. So I don't really know my body all that well when it comes to knowing when a period is coming and believe me I am in touch with my health and body. During the twins party in Louisville, I started my period. I was sad because I was really hopeful I was pregnant, but I was also excited to get a period because that meant no waiting for an extra month to get a period to try all over again. And sure enough the next cycle I would be pregnant!
To sum this up:
It took 12 months of total trying.
It took 8 months of trying with meds.
It took 4 cycles of meds to get pregnant.
In the 24 combined months of trying to conceive the twins and baby number 3 I had FOUR chances to be pregnant. That means I ovulated only four times in twenty four months, but the good news is, I got pregnant three out of four of those times. I rejoice that I get pregnant really easily if I can just get the help needed to ovulate.
Each month on femara I had ultrasounds to look at my follicles. With the twins, when I was on clomid I never had ultrasounds, so I will never know how many follicles I had with the twins but each time this time, I had one mature follicle except for the month that I conceived this baby, that month I had two.
As far as WHAT I did on top of taking the meds to get pregnant....
Eating well and exersizing regularly. Most of you know I lost almost 40 pounds before conceiving the twins and have maintained that loss. I wanted to give my body every chance on its own as well as be at my healthiest for baby.
DRINK WATER. Tons and tons of water. I hear the more hydrated you are, the plumper your follicles and the more fertile cervical fluid you will have.
Pomegranite juice which is good for your over all uterine health.
We used preseed (sorry TMI) fertility friendly lubricant.
And this is KEY and what I really think seals the deal.... 5 days prior to ovulation thru the day after ovulation I took mucinex. You want to make sure the ONLY active ingredient here is guaifenesin. I just bought Target brand and took around the clock. This helps thin your cervicle fluid, making it easier for sperm to travel. My aunt did this after years of infertility and I have recommended it to many friends having a hard time and they have gotten pregnant!
So there you have it I hope that helps those of you who are struggling with fertility.
Know that God has your story beautifully planned and purposed. I came to realize that while God could make me pregnant at any time, he wasn't CAUSING my infertility. My body is flawed in this area because we lived in a fallen world where there is sickness and sin. When he blesses me with children I know it Him pouring out the magnificent on someone who is sick and sinful. While it may not always be easy, rest in his perfect will and trust Jesus through your waiting and when you see His plan unfold, it will be all the more beautiful.
At the same time, I know friends, that many of you are struggling to get pregnant. You may look at me with two 2 year olds and one on the way and feel like I can't relate to you. And while I know that my road is not the hardest, and I have been so lucky and blessed to be pregnant, I still understand the struggle. I have very close friends who still don't have baby #1 and I know my journey may pale in comparison to many of you readers. But please know, I understand the frustration of waiting longer than you would like and wondering what steps you will have to endure to conceive. I am NOT one of those lucky women who can get pregnant the first month they try. But know that each one of us have struggles in life that are unique in our own stories. Just because you are super fertile doesn't mean you have your whole life together, just as taking me a year to get pregnant seems SO no big deal when I look at my sister in law and best friend, a 38 year old widow and mother of three who I am SURE would love to go through a year of trying in a second in comparison to the unimaginable road she is on. Its all about perspective friends.
With all of that being said, I know those pregnancy announcements that seem to pop up in your news feeds on the daily when you are trying so for a baby can be so hard but please know I will not stop praying for all of you and will rejoice when you one day receive your good news. Please keep sharing with me your stories!
So many of you know that I have PCOS which you can learn about here. You can read about the beginning of our road to number two and my miscarriage here. Much of the beginning of our story for baby number three is written in my miscarriage story but to give you the rest of the story and to sum it up, I will tell it here...
The day after the twins first birthday was the day we decided we would "not-prevent." I was winding up nursing my twins and still had not had a period. The day after their birthday I got my first period since having the twins which I felt was such confirmation from God, as we were a little scared to start trying so early after having twins, but knew we would regret not trying if it took us a while to get pregnant like with the twins. That period was in August and I got one more in October all on my own but when January came and I still didn't have a period I went to my new OB to discuss options.
Since it had been almost 6 months of trying and still no regular periods we decided to get started on meds. I had to be put on provera which is a 14 day progesterone drug and within 14 days of being off the drug, you get a period. I started on that and then we chose to try Femara, a new drug that is being used to help ovulation happen (lower chance of twins than with my previous clomid.) I got put back on metformin and started my first round of femara and BOOM! I was pregnant. I couldn't believe how fast it was! So I got my period in February and found out I was pregnant in early March but miscarried soon after.
I had to wait a whole cycle to get put back on provera to get a period all over again and this time I took my femera but never got a period, which means I didn't ovulate.
I then got put back on provera again. This was the hardest part. I feel like if I had a chance every 28 days like most women things would be SO much easier but the waiting to induce a period thing, really stinks. I got a cycle and my doc upped my femara dosage. I was in Louisville (late July) when I was supposed to test and I really felt like I was pregnant. I had all the right symptoms BUT what I didn't know was that I was not pregnant but just PMSing. Since January of 2011, I have only had 3 natural, un-medically induced periods. So I don't really know my body all that well when it comes to knowing when a period is coming and believe me I am in touch with my health and body. During the twins party in Louisville, I started my period. I was sad because I was really hopeful I was pregnant, but I was also excited to get a period because that meant no waiting for an extra month to get a period to try all over again. And sure enough the next cycle I would be pregnant!
To sum this up:
It took 12 months of total trying.
It took 8 months of trying with meds.
It took 4 cycles of meds to get pregnant.
In the 24 combined months of trying to conceive the twins and baby number 3 I had FOUR chances to be pregnant. That means I ovulated only four times in twenty four months, but the good news is, I got pregnant three out of four of those times. I rejoice that I get pregnant really easily if I can just get the help needed to ovulate.
Each month on femara I had ultrasounds to look at my follicles. With the twins, when I was on clomid I never had ultrasounds, so I will never know how many follicles I had with the twins but each time this time, I had one mature follicle except for the month that I conceived this baby, that month I had two.
As far as WHAT I did on top of taking the meds to get pregnant....
Eating well and exersizing regularly. Most of you know I lost almost 40 pounds before conceiving the twins and have maintained that loss. I wanted to give my body every chance on its own as well as be at my healthiest for baby.
DRINK WATER. Tons and tons of water. I hear the more hydrated you are, the plumper your follicles and the more fertile cervical fluid you will have.
Pomegranite juice which is good for your over all uterine health.
We used preseed (sorry TMI) fertility friendly lubricant.
And this is KEY and what I really think seals the deal.... 5 days prior to ovulation thru the day after ovulation I took mucinex. You want to make sure the ONLY active ingredient here is guaifenesin. I just bought Target brand and took around the clock. This helps thin your cervicle fluid, making it easier for sperm to travel. My aunt did this after years of infertility and I have recommended it to many friends having a hard time and they have gotten pregnant!
So there you have it I hope that helps those of you who are struggling with fertility.
Know that God has your story beautifully planned and purposed. I came to realize that while God could make me pregnant at any time, he wasn't CAUSING my infertility. My body is flawed in this area because we lived in a fallen world where there is sickness and sin. When he blesses me with children I know it Him pouring out the magnificent on someone who is sick and sinful. While it may not always be easy, rest in his perfect will and trust Jesus through your waiting and when you see His plan unfold, it will be all the more beautiful.
He gives rest to the weary...
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Hello friends.
I am sorry for my lack of posting these days. I have come to realize there are certain seasons of my life that are more blog-able and certain seasons that just aren't. I created this blog in hopes of a baby and God swept me off my feet when he blessed be twice over. Ya'll have been beyond precious in sharing in my joy and journey to their birth. In addition to my pregnancy, this has been a place for overwhelming large amounts of baby pictures as well as some recipes and home decor when I can manage.
Our house is coming along but oh so slowly. If I had a bigger budget I could move faster but I realize staying at home with my sweet peas might slow down my house projects but is SO VERY worth it. Isn't it amazing that we can never be content in our material world? While I am tackling projects left and right, I still don't have one room 100% complete. As soon as rooms becoming complete I will take you on a little house tour :)
My prayer for this blog from the start was to be a place of encouragement. The Lord has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams through ya'll's relations in this blog. I have had countless readers all over the world who struggle with infertility reach out to me on here and my greatest joy has been to be able to relate to women who are hurting in this area.
I always want to be transparent with ya'll so that God can use me to relate to you in any way. You read about my battle with PCOS and my miscarriage and now I just have to be honest with you that trying for baby number three is beginning to become emotionally difficult. With out going into too much detail about trying for baby three (that is a whole lot of info, enough for a post in itself on a different day) we have been not preventing pregnancy since a year ago today. It was the day after the twins first birthday that we decided we would "just see what would happen" and it has been since January of 2014 that we have been trying with medical help. I am currently in the process of round 4 this year in hopes of another baby. Again, I will give details of our journey later, details that are actually encouraging, but today I just feel weary.
I feel weary that it has already taken longer this time around than it did the first time around. I feel so encouraged that I am able to carry a full term pregnancy but for some reason I thought it would be easier once I was able to already have a pregnancy under my belt. Friends, it so hard when you struggle with infertility. There are so many things that I feel right now that make me feel guilty. Things that only someone who struggle with this could understand. If I said them all out loud it would just sound like a selfish pity party.
I could go on and on about the goodness of God to me, through this. He has blessed me unimaginably, and I would not change one thing about my road to conceiving the twins. That is why, why it is hard to see now, I know that once I finally do become pregnant again, I will appreciate all the Lord has revealed to me through this specific journey.
But today, my heart is overwhelmed. It is sad. And it is longing for the desires the Lord has placed on my heart, to have more children. I am sad that I have PCOS and sad that I have to take meds and try so so hard to achieve something that to some women is so very easy. But what gives me joy than anything is to know that He is enough. He is enough. If all that I have is hope in Christ, its all I need. If I look at what I already have on top of all that, my mind is simply blown with His goodness.
When my heart is overwhelmed like it is today, I can come to Him for rest. And that friends, is a beautiful thing. Jesus, I CAN'T do this on my own. Lord, I need your help. Settle and quiet my heart and let me rest in you.
I know many of you are going through trials WAY more than this. There is so much on my heart with what is going on over in the middle east and I know this post could seem trivial
to some of you in comparison, so my hope is that I did not offend. I am thankful for a God who hears our cries no matter how big or small.
How many of you sweet friends have days when you need to just rest in Him? Sweet sisters who are reading this right now, and are longing for a sweet baby, He can give you rest.
I'm sure I will wake up tomorrow, sunny and ready to tackle this baby making journey but for now, I need rest.
I'm sorry for my quietness here on the blog. Just know I am sorting a lot in my heart right now and I will be back it again soon!
Love you friends and thanks for hearing me out :)
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
I am sorry for my lack of posting these days. I have come to realize there are certain seasons of my life that are more blog-able and certain seasons that just aren't. I created this blog in hopes of a baby and God swept me off my feet when he blessed be twice over. Ya'll have been beyond precious in sharing in my joy and journey to their birth. In addition to my pregnancy, this has been a place for overwhelming large amounts of baby pictures as well as some recipes and home decor when I can manage.
Our house is coming along but oh so slowly. If I had a bigger budget I could move faster but I realize staying at home with my sweet peas might slow down my house projects but is SO VERY worth it. Isn't it amazing that we can never be content in our material world? While I am tackling projects left and right, I still don't have one room 100% complete. As soon as rooms becoming complete I will take you on a little house tour :)
My prayer for this blog from the start was to be a place of encouragement. The Lord has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams through ya'll's relations in this blog. I have had countless readers all over the world who struggle with infertility reach out to me on here and my greatest joy has been to be able to relate to women who are hurting in this area.
I always want to be transparent with ya'll so that God can use me to relate to you in any way. You read about my battle with PCOS and my miscarriage and now I just have to be honest with you that trying for baby number three is beginning to become emotionally difficult. With out going into too much detail about trying for baby three (that is a whole lot of info, enough for a post in itself on a different day) we have been not preventing pregnancy since a year ago today. It was the day after the twins first birthday that we decided we would "just see what would happen" and it has been since January of 2014 that we have been trying with medical help. I am currently in the process of round 4 this year in hopes of another baby. Again, I will give details of our journey later, details that are actually encouraging, but today I just feel weary.
I feel weary that it has already taken longer this time around than it did the first time around. I feel so encouraged that I am able to carry a full term pregnancy but for some reason I thought it would be easier once I was able to already have a pregnancy under my belt. Friends, it so hard when you struggle with infertility. There are so many things that I feel right now that make me feel guilty. Things that only someone who struggle with this could understand. If I said them all out loud it would just sound like a selfish pity party.
I could go on and on about the goodness of God to me, through this. He has blessed me unimaginably, and I would not change one thing about my road to conceiving the twins. That is why, why it is hard to see now, I know that once I finally do become pregnant again, I will appreciate all the Lord has revealed to me through this specific journey.
But today, my heart is overwhelmed. It is sad. And it is longing for the desires the Lord has placed on my heart, to have more children. I am sad that I have PCOS and sad that I have to take meds and try so so hard to achieve something that to some women is so very easy. But what gives me joy than anything is to know that He is enough. He is enough. If all that I have is hope in Christ, its all I need. If I look at what I already have on top of all that, my mind is simply blown with His goodness.
When my heart is overwhelmed like it is today, I can come to Him for rest. And that friends, is a beautiful thing. Jesus, I CAN'T do this on my own. Lord, I need your help. Settle and quiet my heart and let me rest in you.
I know many of you are going through trials WAY more than this. There is so much on my heart with what is going on over in the middle east and I know this post could seem trivial
to some of you in comparison, so my hope is that I did not offend. I am thankful for a God who hears our cries no matter how big or small.
How many of you sweet friends have days when you need to just rest in Him? Sweet sisters who are reading this right now, and are longing for a sweet baby, He can give you rest.
I'm sure I will wake up tomorrow, sunny and ready to tackle this baby making journey but for now, I need rest.
I'm sorry for my quietness here on the blog. Just know I am sorting a lot in my heart right now and I will be back it again soon!
Love you friends and thanks for hearing me out :)
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
A Grief Observed
Thursday, March 20, 2014
I went back and forth in my mind as to whether or not post this entry. I knew I needed to write out the course of this last week but wasn't sure if it was something I wanted to share with all of you. Last Saturday I miscarried a sweet and precious life.
After lots of prayer, I decided that it is something I should absolutely share with you for many reasons. I know many people, including myself, that choose to wait and share the joyful news of pregnancy until the first trimester is over. I understand the hesitation, as the first 12 weeks are a very venerable time for the developing baby. You don't want to share all of the joy and excitement with everyone you know, especially now with social media you could tell potentially thousands of people and then have to explain the devastation of loss. While painful to express, after lots of prayer I felt the spirit prompt me to share with you our loss so that I could somehow encourage others going through the same thing. I also have nothing to be ashamed about. This was something very sad that happened in my life and I use this blog to share pieces of my life and because so many of my readers have found my blog through their own infertility struggles, I felt it only right to share our grief.
*I hope you understand that because with all my heart, I believe life begins at conception. That is why this is a difficult and emotional loss for my heart.
I will share our full journey to baby number three whenever God blesses us with that sweet one, but for now, in a nutshell...
1. We have been trying (or should I say, not preventing) for baby #3 since the twins first birthday last August.
2. We decided if we were not pregnant in 6 months that we would try medications to help ovulation since I have PCOS and do not get cylces with out medication.
3. We tried a new med similar to Clomid (what we took to conceive the twins) that gives you a slightly lower chance of twins.
It was our first round of meds and I tested positive for ovulation and before I knew it, it was time to test for pregnancy. With the twins I tested positive for pregnancy 10DPO (days past ovulation.) I began testing with my internet cheapie tests 10DPO this cycle. Day 10, I got a negative but on day 11DPO I felt cramping all day and even a burrowing feeling with weird pinches and pulls and just knew that my little embryo was implanting itself. It takes 24 hours after implantation to receive a positive test and so on day 12DPO, I was overwhelmed with joy to get a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. I had taken a cheap test that morning and it was negative, but just knew I was pregnant. Later that day I pulled out my reserved expensive tests and two different brands both gave me positives. I cried, praised God for his good and perfect gift and was overwhelmed with gratitude to be pregnant our first month on the medication.
The babies and I went to Kroger and bought some "new baby" balloons. It was a GORGEOUS day here in texas, 75 and sunny. It was one of those days where life just couldn't seem to be ANY better. My precious babies and I headed home, and rang the door bell for Luke. Luke came to the door to answer and I hid around the corner letting the babies carry the balloons to him. He shouted with joy, we hugged and just praised Jesus for being SO GOOD to us. It was two days before Luke's birthday and we spent the next few days dreaming of the baby on the way. It would arrive around thanksgiving, we calculated how old the twins would be when he or she arrived. We affectionately called it "bean" and just fell in love instantly. We share the news with our community group the next day by having Jack Henry and Hadley wear big brother, big sister Tees to our bible study. We face timed and sent pics of the babies in the shirts to our parents and I told my very closest friends, starting with calling my sister in law Ashley, before I even told Luke. I was SO FREAKING OUT and had to tell someone immediately.
After lots of prayer, I decided that it is something I should absolutely share with you for many reasons. I know many people, including myself, that choose to wait and share the joyful news of pregnancy until the first trimester is over. I understand the hesitation, as the first 12 weeks are a very venerable time for the developing baby. You don't want to share all of the joy and excitement with everyone you know, especially now with social media you could tell potentially thousands of people and then have to explain the devastation of loss. While painful to express, after lots of prayer I felt the spirit prompt me to share with you our loss so that I could somehow encourage others going through the same thing. I also have nothing to be ashamed about. This was something very sad that happened in my life and I use this blog to share pieces of my life and because so many of my readers have found my blog through their own infertility struggles, I felt it only right to share our grief.
*I hope you understand that because with all my heart, I believe life begins at conception. That is why this is a difficult and emotional loss for my heart.
I will share our full journey to baby number three whenever God blesses us with that sweet one, but for now, in a nutshell...
1. We have been trying (or should I say, not preventing) for baby #3 since the twins first birthday last August.
2. We decided if we were not pregnant in 6 months that we would try medications to help ovulation since I have PCOS and do not get cylces with out medication.
3. We tried a new med similar to Clomid (what we took to conceive the twins) that gives you a slightly lower chance of twins.
It was our first round of meds and I tested positive for ovulation and before I knew it, it was time to test for pregnancy. With the twins I tested positive for pregnancy 10DPO (days past ovulation.) I began testing with my internet cheapie tests 10DPO this cycle. Day 10, I got a negative but on day 11DPO I felt cramping all day and even a burrowing feeling with weird pinches and pulls and just knew that my little embryo was implanting itself. It takes 24 hours after implantation to receive a positive test and so on day 12DPO, I was overwhelmed with joy to get a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. I had taken a cheap test that morning and it was negative, but just knew I was pregnant. Later that day I pulled out my reserved expensive tests and two different brands both gave me positives. I cried, praised God for his good and perfect gift and was overwhelmed with gratitude to be pregnant our first month on the medication.
The babies and I went to Kroger and bought some "new baby" balloons. It was a GORGEOUS day here in texas, 75 and sunny. It was one of those days where life just couldn't seem to be ANY better. My precious babies and I headed home, and rang the door bell for Luke. Luke came to the door to answer and I hid around the corner letting the babies carry the balloons to him. He shouted with joy, we hugged and just praised Jesus for being SO GOOD to us. It was two days before Luke's birthday and we spent the next few days dreaming of the baby on the way. It would arrive around thanksgiving, we calculated how old the twins would be when he or she arrived. We affectionately called it "bean" and just fell in love instantly. We share the news with our community group the next day by having Jack Henry and Hadley wear big brother, big sister Tees to our bible study. We face timed and sent pics of the babies in the shirts to our parents and I told my very closest friends, starting with calling my sister in law Ashley, before I even told Luke. I was SO FREAKING OUT and had to tell someone immediately.
Just pure joy. I went to the Dr. the day after I found out, where I had a blood test that confirmed the pregnancy. My HCG was only at 16 but I had literally been pregnant for TWO DAYS. They said I was very early so they wanted me to come back in on Monday to get another blood test to see how the levels multiplied (they should double every 2 days) Unfortunatly that Monday would not arrive in the same joyful manner that I had imagined.
On Friday night I got into bed and just felt different. I had noticed I wasn't feeling tired like I had earlier in the week. My body really didn't feel differently and I had noticed cramping. I honestly knew deep in my heart that something was horribly wrong. I still hadn't received a positive result on my cheap internet test but they are supposed to give a postive result when HCG levels reached 20. If I was carrying a viable baby then my levels should have doubled and been 30 on Friday so I decided to ease my mind I would take test just to see the positive so I could rest easily. I tested but no line was present and I had really began to feel cramps.
Luke was already asleep and I crawled back into bed and just began to pray. I knew stress would do nothing positive so I just breathed slowly and just rested in who God was.
His goodness.
His sovereignty.
His love for me.
I prayed for protection but honestly, I knew what was happening and just prayed for peace. I praised Him for his goodness and just TRUSTED. Nothing had happened yet so I would just rest in His presence until I had reason for worry. I woke up Saturday morning walk with my friend, fellow pastors wife and neighbor. We run together twice a week but had been walking the past few weeks to take it easy on my body. I knew I had to know what was going on and tested on the digital test. The one that reads "pregnant" or "not pregnant" Sure enough, I got the two word result that I had feared. Tearfully I went to Luke and told him what was going on. After a tearful walk where my friend so graciously listen to me process out loud, I returned home to bleeding. I was loosing the baby. I met some community group friends for coffee as they just listened to me cry and share my heart. They were precious. They cried with me, bought me flowers, a hot tea and were simply there. We are not made to go through things like this alone.
I will spare you the physical details but its 5 days later and my body is still going through loss, my blood levels have still not come down to zero and my sweet Doctor has told me now that this is a long, drawn out miscarriage. It is now too late in my cycle to start drugs again this month. I have more blood work to be done on Monday where I am almost positive my HCG will be back to zero. And this month we will try again, but this time naturally since meds are not an option this month.
Through my mind were many thoughts racing...
I was sad. I am sad.
I was carrying a life, and now I am not.
After trying for a year with the twins, I could breath easily on month one knowing we had achieved pregnancy. And then we lost it.
But here is what else is going on in my brain...
I have been pregnant TWICE. Once with the twins and with this last pregnancy and BOTH times occurred with the very first month of ovulation. My body needs help, but when it does what it is supposed to, I respond WELL.
I was pregnant! This is victory even if there was loss.
I feel like if I had to go through miscarriage, I was spared even more of pain by loosing this sweet one so very early. (4.5 weeks)
I have two GORGEOUS gifts in Jack Henry and Hadley and I am already blessed more than I even should be.
And the most important TRUTHS...
God is good through this. He BLESSED me with a sweet baby who most likely didn't develop chromosomally correct. That baby now is restored in full with Jesus instead of being here on earth, broken.
The Lord gives life and the Lord allows life to fade but I will praise Him through everything as He is the giver of life and his ways are always good, even when I can't see past my own circumstances.
My brother in law Matt D is loving on his niece or nephew. Thank you LORD
In God's perfect timing we will bring another life into this world and raise them to love Christ.
I have TWO BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY babies. This has made things immeasurably easier than if I had lost a baby, childless. I do not take my healthy babies for granted. They are miracles and this has made me realized that even more.
I have spent two days being very sad. I allowed myself that time and now I am going to move forward. I will still have sad moments, and thats okay but I am moving forward and focusing on my Jesus, my husband and my babies. We will wait for his PERFECT timing and trust Him fully.
Most importantly, thank you for your prayers. Thank you for listening. I wanted to acknowledge what happend to ya'll and not pretend it never happened. It was probably way more than you wanted to know but it will bless me down the road to be able to reference back to this season of my life.
Whatever you are going through in life NOTHING is too difficult, sad, bad, wrong, impossible or unworthy for God to handle through Christ Jesus.
Love you readers :)
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21
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