A Grief Observed

Thursday, March 20, 2014

I went back and forth in my mind as to whether or not post this entry. I knew I needed to write out the course of this last week but wasn't sure if it was something I wanted to share with all of you. Last Saturday I miscarried a sweet and precious life.
 After lots of prayer, I decided that it is something I should absolutely share with you for many reasons. I know many people, including myself, that choose to wait and share the joyful news of pregnancy until the first trimester is over. I understand the hesitation, as the first 12 weeks are a very venerable time for the developing baby. You don't want to share all of the joy and excitement with everyone you know, especially now with social media you could tell potentially thousands of people and then have to explain the devastation of loss. While painful to express, after lots of prayer I felt the spirit prompt me to share with you our loss so that I could somehow encourage others going through the same thing. I also have nothing to be ashamed about. This was something very sad that happened in my life and I use this blog to share pieces of my life and because so many of my readers have found my blog through their own infertility struggles, I felt it only right to share our grief.

*I hope you understand that because with all my heart, I believe life begins at conception. That is why this is a difficult and emotional loss for my heart. 

I will share our full journey to baby number three whenever God blesses us with that sweet one, but for now, in a nutshell...
1. We have been trying (or should I say, not preventing) for baby #3 since the twins first birthday last August. 
2. We decided if we were not pregnant in 6 months that we would try medications to help ovulation since I have PCOS and do not get cylces with out medication. 
3. We tried a new med similar to Clomid (what we took to conceive the twins) that gives you a slightly lower chance of twins. 
It was our first round of meds and I tested positive for ovulation and before I knew it, it was time to test for pregnancy. With the twins I tested positive for pregnancy 10DPO (days past ovulation.) I began testing with my internet cheapie tests 10DPO this cycle. Day 10, I got a negative but on day 11DPO I felt cramping all day and even a burrowing feeling with weird pinches and pulls and just knew that my little embryo was implanting itself. It takes 24 hours after implantation to receive a positive test and so on day 12DPO, I was overwhelmed with joy to get a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. I had taken a cheap test that morning and it was negative, but just knew I was pregnant. Later that day I pulled out my reserved expensive tests and two different brands both gave me positives. I cried, praised God for his good and perfect gift and was overwhelmed with gratitude to be pregnant our first month on the medication. 

The babies and I went to Kroger and bought some "new baby" balloons. It was a GORGEOUS day here in texas, 75 and sunny. It was one of those days where life just couldn't seem to be ANY better. My precious babies and I headed home, and rang the door bell for Luke. Luke came to the door to answer and I hid around the corner letting the babies carry the balloons to him. He shouted with joy, we hugged and just praised Jesus for being SO GOOD to us. It was two days before Luke's birthday and we spent the next few days dreaming of the baby on the way. It would arrive around thanksgiving, we calculated how old the twins would be when he or she arrived. We affectionately called it "bean" and just fell in love instantly. We share the news with our community group the next day by having Jack Henry and Hadley wear big brother, big sister Tees to our bible study. We face timed and sent pics of the babies in the shirts to our parents and I told my very closest friends, starting with calling my sister in law Ashley, before I even told Luke. I was SO FREAKING OUT and had to tell someone immediately. 

Just pure joy. I went to the Dr. the day after I found out, where I had a blood test that confirmed the pregnancy. My HCG was only at 16 but I had literally been pregnant for TWO DAYS. They said I was very early so they wanted me to come back in on Monday to get another blood test to see how the levels multiplied (they should double every 2 days) Unfortunatly that Monday would not arrive in the same joyful manner that I had imagined.
On Friday night I got into bed and just felt different. I had noticed I wasn't feeling tired like I had earlier in the week. My body really didn't feel differently and I had noticed cramping. I honestly knew deep in my heart that something was horribly wrong. I still hadn't received a positive result on my cheap internet test but they are supposed to give a postive result when HCG levels reached 20. If I was carrying a viable baby then my levels should have doubled and been 30 on Friday so I decided to ease my mind I would take test just to see the positive so I could rest easily. I tested but no line was present and I had really began to feel cramps. 

Luke was already asleep and I crawled back into bed and just began to pray. I knew stress would do nothing positive so I just breathed slowly and just rested in who God was. 
His goodness. 
His sovereignty. 
His love for me. 
I prayed for protection but honestly, I knew what was happening and just prayed for peace. I praised Him for his goodness and just TRUSTED. Nothing had happened yet so I would just rest in His presence until I had reason for worry. I woke up Saturday morning walk with my friend, fellow pastors wife and neighbor. We run together twice a week but had been walking the past few weeks to take it easy on my body. I knew I had to know what was going on and tested on the digital test. The one that reads "pregnant" or "not pregnant" Sure enough, I got the two word result that I had feared. Tearfully I went to Luke and told him what was going on. After a tearful walk where my friend so graciously listen to me process out loud, I returned home to bleeding. I was loosing the baby. I met some community group friends for coffee as they just listened to me cry and share my heart. They were precious. They cried with me, bought me flowers, a hot tea and were simply there. We are not made to go through things like this alone.
 I will spare you the physical details but its 5 days later and my body is still going through loss, my blood levels have still not come down to zero and my sweet Doctor has told me now that this is a long, drawn out miscarriage. It is now too late in my cycle to start drugs again this month. I have more blood work to be done on Monday where I am almost positive my HCG will be back to zero. And this month we will try again, but this time naturally since meds are not an option this month.
 Through my mind were many thoughts racing...
I was sad. I am sad.
I was carrying a life, and now I am not.
After trying for a year with the twins, I could breath easily on month one knowing we had achieved pregnancy. And then we lost it.

But here is what else is going on in my brain...
I have been pregnant TWICE. Once with the twins and with this last pregnancy and BOTH times occurred with the very first month of ovulation. My body needs help, but when it does what it is supposed to, I respond WELL.
I was pregnant! This is victory even if there was loss.
I feel like if I had to go through miscarriage, I was spared even more of pain by loosing this sweet one so very early. (4.5 weeks)
I have two GORGEOUS gifts in Jack Henry and Hadley and I am already blessed more than I even should be.

And the most important TRUTHS...

God is good through this. He BLESSED me with a sweet baby who most likely didn't develop chromosomally correct. That baby now is restored in full with Jesus instead of being here on earth, broken.
The Lord gives life and the Lord allows life to fade but I will praise Him through everything as He is the giver of life and his ways are always good, even when I can't see past my own circumstances.
My brother in law Matt D is  loving on his niece or nephew. Thank you LORD
In God's perfect timing we will bring another life into this world and raise them to love Christ.
I have TWO BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY babies. This has made things immeasurably easier than if I had lost a baby, childless. I do not take my healthy babies for granted. They are miracles and this has made me realized that even more.

I have spent two days being very sad. I allowed myself that time and now I am going to move forward. I will still have sad moments, and thats okay but I am moving forward and focusing on my Jesus, my husband and my babies. We will wait for his PERFECT timing and trust Him fully.

Most importantly, thank you for your prayers. Thank you for listening. I wanted to acknowledge what happend to ya'll and not pretend it never happened. It was probably way more than you wanted to know but it will bless me down the road to be able to reference back to this season of my life.

Whatever you are going through in life NOTHING is too difficult, sad, bad, wrong, impossible or unworthy for God to handle through Christ Jesus. 

Love you readers :)

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21


  1. Prayers for You and Luke. My heart goes out to you. I know this is hard to go through. My first baby was a miscarriage. We found out when we went in to hear the heartbeat. It was one of the hardest things I had went through ,but with Gods love and grace we made it through and 6 months later had Kyle (my 8 year old). I think about my sweet baby all the time but I know he/she is with God now. Praying for peace and comfort for you two. I know God will bless you two with your next baby before you know it. Your blog was very inspirational and you have a great outlook on things. I love seeing your blogs and those babies. I will continue to pray for you guys.

  2. It is devastating to hear of your loss. My heart is broken for you. I will be in prayer for you and your family.

  3. Bless your heart.

    Thank you for sharing this. I think it'll help you to move forward.

    Even though this post is sad, you wrote it so well. I can tell you're a Christian. Everything you have said is exactly right. God knows best and everything happens in His timing. Keep the faith girl. Stay strong. There's a better day a'coming!!!! ;)

  4. Prayers for you....

    I, unfortunately, lost a pregnancy this past summer and know there is nothing that can prepare you for the pain and grief or no words that can truly "help". God ultimately has a plan and I pray that He reveals His plan to you soon!

  5. So sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your husband.

  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. It took a lot of courage for you to express your feelings and what you are going through. I hope that getting it out there helps, and I will be praying for both you and your husbands heart. <3

  7. I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I came across you blog when you were pregnant with the twins, and have been avidly reading ever since. I too have fertility issues, and had a miscarriage this past August with our first baby. It is so difficult to explain, and I am so sorry for your loss. Take time to remember your sweet baby, and all the angels in heaven caring for her.

  8. Oh Kathleen, I am so, so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby...my heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing your story, I imagine that is hard...God is definitely using you as you are shining your light through it. I am praying for you as you grieve this sweet little life, asking the Lord to comfort you specifically as you need day by day. Love, Page

  9. Came across your blog when I started clomid a few months ago. I ovulate on my own but have been trying for a year now to get pregnant with a second child. Anyway, I'm so sorry about your loss. Just this past weekend I had a chemical pregnancy or miscarriage. Dr isn't 100% sure. It's so hard because it does feel like a BIG loss even at 6 weeks. Sorry again.

  10. I came across your blog because I am pregnant with twins but as I can't stop reading thru your posts. It makes me feel like I have my own twin from another mother hehe. I can relate so much to a lot of your posts. We have lost two pregnancies. I so loved your words about going thru a loss but knowing that God is still good and with us during that loss. My husbands church also has a daycare that my two attend and I cried almost every day for a while of dropping off. If you ever want an email buddy here's my email. Sarahjowilson@gmail.com


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