Finding out I was expecting twins again...

Finding out I was pregnant was an incredible and thrilling moment filled with overwhelming joy, just as each my pregnancies have been. This is my 5th pregnancy, Jack Henry and Hadley were my first pregnancy, I had a miscarriage when they were 20 months, Walker was my third pregnancy and first rainbow baby, and then when he was 18 months I had my fourth pregnancy and lost that one too, so this was my 5th pregnancy and was no less exciting than any of the others. It took us exactly a year to get a successful pregnancy each time we have tried, so they are always so welcomed, prayed for and celebrated. 

This was my fourth month on medication (lowest dose of Femara) and it was the same meds I took to get my Walkie, so with a less than 2% chance of twins, twins truly were not on my radar. I remember it was a Saturday night at I could test in the morning so I tried to get a good night sleep but of course I woke up around 3am needing to pee and felt like a kid on Christmas Eve. I tried to ignore the urge and go back to sleep because I knew if I went to the restroom in the middle of the night, then in the morning my urine wouldn't be as concentrated and not as ideal for early pregnancy testing. So of course, I tested... At 3 am...like a crazy person. As I waited for the result, I closed my eyes and began to pray, just talking very openly with Jesus. Lord, this is the desire of my heart, and I know you know that, but God you are GOOD if its negative just as you are GOOD if its positive. I kind of just kept repeating this over and over and my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. After a couple minutes had passed, I looked down and immediately saw to dark and pink lines. POSITIVE!!!! I began to cry and rejoice and PRAISE him. Luke had a crazy morning planned at church, having his first interest meeting for our church's new campus so as BADLY as I wanted to wake him and tell him, I let him sleep. I stayed on my phone for about an hour, figuring out my due date and downloading pregnancy apps and just kept praising God for this perfect gift! That morning when Luke was up, I didn't plan anything special, I just walked up to him in our bathroom and showed him the test. He of course was thrilled and we hugged and thanked Jesus for this perfect gift and we prayed for protection. 

I kind of thought the lies were very DARK for such an early test and a week or so later I had bloodwork done to check my progesterone and my HCG levels, and I noticed my levels had almost tripled, instead of the normal doubling, but I know lots of high level pregnancies that were just a really healthy singleton, so again, my brain thought, high levels and dark lines? Could it be twins? NO WAY! I didn't even give it a second thought. 

At 6 weeks and 0 days, the nausea hit FULL FORCE and I didn't get a break for months. You are supposed to have worse nausea with twins, but again, I was never nausas with my first twins, so I didn't think anything of it. I was starting to feel blue, feeling SO sick and SO exhausted, I felt like I could barely mother my kids, so when my sister in law called me and told me that her middle child, Hayes, age 11 told his other aunt, that his aunt Kathleen was pregnant with twins, I laughed and thought it was a cute story. I said something like "ha ha ha, well we will see next week on my ultrasound, but I HIGHLY doubt he is right" She then told me that she and her sister in law both received it as prophetic and from the Lord and that I needed to be preparing my heart. I then began to panic and spent the next 5 days leading up to the ultrasound, on the verge of tears, fearful and panicked! I went to church that Sunday and was so so scared, barely able to get my kids ready for church, we got on the shuttle to church where Jack Henry was having a meltdown on the bus and I was SOOOOO nauseas just thinking HOW WOULD I HANDLE TWINS ON TOP OF THIS!!!! I got to church and told a few friends what my sister in law had heard, and I began to cry right there in church. People probably thought I was nuts. I told my friend Kayla and she advised I brought an adult to the ultrasound as Luke was going to be out of town for the appointment.  This was  great advice and I asked a dear friend and elder's wife who is a nurse and works at a pregnancy crisis center to come with me lol, I knew she handle good news, bad news or twin news. I told my community group girls who all assured me it wasn't going to be twins and if it was, I would be just fine. 

Fast forward to the appointment, with my friend Sandra and all three kids in the exam room, we looked up at the sonogram machine and I INSTANTLY saw TWO sweet babies. I began to laugh and asked my doctor, "there's two isn't there?" He got a huge grin on his face and said there sure were! He also told me that in his 25 years of practice I was the second woman he has had to have 2 sets of twins. We heard the amazing heart beats and I immediately called Luke and my mom and family to tell them this CRAZY and exciting news.

The next couple weeks were weeks of processing. I completely broke down with my friend Heidi at church when my husband was preaching and said "what do you need to let go of? Come up front and we have people to pray with you." I was a blubbering mess! I needed to let go of FEAR. Crippling FEAR. I saw Heidi up front and I knew I needed to get to her but was too embarrassed with all my tears to go in front of people so as soon as church ended, I found her and we went backstage and she heard my heart, and loved on me and prayed with me. She has been such an encouragement texting here and there through out my pregnancy.

I had SO many thought in my head.
HOW would I do this?
ONE more, no big deal, TWO more... OH MY GOODNESS HOW?!
HOW am I going to go through another twin pregnancy taking care of three others?
Im going to have FIVE KIDS 5 AND UNDER!!!
Im going to be THIRTY with FIVE KIDS! Hey, I kinda loved that actually. Young empty nesters!!!

The very next week, I had told hardly ANYONE and my friend Amanda who makes my favorite earrings, check them out at The trend shop, texted me and told me she had a DREAM I was pregnant with twins!!! She didn't even know I was pregnant!

It was an INCREDIBLE feeling to know the Lord was reaching my loved ones to encourage me that these babies are part of his perfect plan!

God has truly been so good giving me PEACE and JOY. And while this may not have been a part of my plan, I would have loved to enjoy my babies one at a time, I know its a part of HIS plan, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Knowing how special the experience of twins were, make me excited to do it again. It also makes me treasure Walker, my "rare" single baby lol.

God is SO good. He has always known my heart for a large family and I'm having 5 kids with only 3 c-sections. Most doctors don't like you to have more than three sections, so this is an incredible way of achieving our dream of a larger family. I also think part of me might have wimped out at 4 lol. This is His funny way of saying, you aren't done yet. 

We are THRILLED to be welcoming these two babies into our family and trust he will carry us through all the crazy times which I know are coming. But we wouldn't have it any other way. 
  

Our Second Loss

WARNING: This post is long and its personal. It is mostly for my own healing, being able to write out what I have been through and what I am feeling and the ability to look back and remember this in the future. 

As I sit here writing this post, I feel almost numb. It has been a little more than 24 hours now when Luke and I and our youngest, Walker, sat in the ultrasound room and heard the words "I'm so sorry" from the doctor. Words you never want to hear when you gaze at a black and white screen searching for the baby and listening for the heart that you have already fallen so in love with.

OUR ROAD
This pregnancy was the greatest of gifts as it was quite a surprise. If you have been a reader of this blog or know me on any personal level you know that while we are incredibly blessed with not one or two but THREE incredibly beautiful, sweet, healthy and precious lives, 3 under a 3 year time period in fact (although we did cheat a little with twins :) You would also know that these sweet babies didn't come easy. While our story doesn't begin to touch so many others that struggle with getting pregnant, we did have a road to getting pregnant that required medical intervention and it has always taken a year to get pregnant with each pregnancy. (You can read more about our story HERE and HERE) We aren't one of those couples who can get pregnant right away which is why were shocked and thrilled to find out we were expecting our 4th baby. 

FINDING OUT
We were planning and hoping to be pregnant with number 4 in the spring which meant sometime in November we would start the process that we have always followed. The emotional process of inducing periods and taking ovulatory meds and waiting and praying and hopefully in the next 6-12 months we would get that beautiful positive test that is so wanted but at times seems almost impossible. But while Luke was in Colorado a month ago, I was thinking it had been 70 days or so since my last period, which is not unusual for me. My breasts felt larger and I felt super hungry so for some crazy reason, I thought it might be fun to test and had some intuition to test. It was so bizarre because I really didn't feel pregnant and I was 99% sure I wasn't, but it was almost as the Lord put it on my heart and I almost like a robot just went into the store without even thinking to buy the test. Luke and I hadn't been preventing pregnancy in any way since early summer. We have done this a lot over the last 5 years (not preventing) because we know how challenging it can be for us to conceive so we always say, it can't hurt to try, and even though it may be a little sooner than we would "like" as far as planning spacing between our kids ( I LOVED our gap of 2 years and 9 months between the twins and Walker) we knew we would be ecstatic to get pregnant on our own and we might also kick ourselves for preventing if our fertility journey ended up being a super long one. So I was SHOCKED and ECSTATIC to see a positive test!!!!! I couldn't believe it! I begin praising Jesus, and thanking Him for this miraculous gift! I was getting ready to pick my husband AND my mom up from the airport in a few short hours. They just so happened to arrive with in an hour of each other, my mom was visiting for the week and Luke was returning from a business trip. I told the twins and recorded it and showed them both in the car at the same time when I picked them up from the airport! It was so awesome to celebrate with my mom and my husband at the same time. Life was GOOD! I was a bit anxious to have Walker and this new baby about 25 months apart, but I was just happy to have gotten pregnant on our own and knew this baby had such a purpose and was meant for our family.

THE PREGNANCY
Over the next week I begin to get VERY sick. I had zero morning sickness with the twins and had about two weeks of manageable queasiness with Walker so I considered myself to be on of the lucky women who don't get sick with pregnancies. From about week 6 to currently ( I am still "pregnant" at 8/9 weeks as I type this) I had a CONSTANT sick stomach with no break or relief. It was really hard and pretty miserable to feel so sick especially while feeling the fatigue of the pregnancy and taking care of my other three babies. I had to be put on prescription meds that helped but never fully relieved what I was feeling. I told family, my community group and the other pastor's wives at our church since we went on a trip together and I had to explain why I felt so sick and I had to explain my baby bump. You guys, this is honestly the hardest part of losing a pregnancy when you are showing and look so pregnant. I had had an ultrasound around what we thought was week 5. My last period was back in July and so because of the dating, how far my last period was, the doctor wanted to check things out. I had spotting a couple weeks before my positive test that looking back I assumed was implantation bleeding and  I took one of those at home tests that told me how far along I was based on my hormone levels. My doctor agreed I looked about 5 weeks along, and because of that, he could see a healthy gestational sac but couldn't see a baby yet because it often takes until week 6 or 7 to see a baby. He wasn't too concerned but did want to draw some HCG blood levels 48 hours apart and make sure they rose appropriately to confirm it was a viable pregnancy. If the levels were appropriate he would schedule me another ultrasound in a couple of weeks. They came back PERFECT. They had more than doubled and he was happy with my levels, but I did have low progesterone which is the hormone responsible for keeping the baby alive until the placenta takes over at 12 weeks. I was low with the twins too and was supplemented with them. He wrote me a prescription for progesterone and I began taking it. I didn't like that they were low but I had been through this before so I wasn't too worried. I had found enough strength to run to the grocery to get some essentials like bland crackers and sparkling soda to get me through the nausea and after coming home, I got out of the car and started feeling some cramping. I walked in the house a felt myself starting to bleed. I went to the restroom and confirmed the blood. I have had a miscarriage before which you can read about HERE so I thought I was loosing the baby. I began to weep and called my husband  who came home and stayed with the kids the rest of the day so I could rest. I called the doctor and he told me my levels had looked good the DAY BEFORE and usually you wouldn't see blood that soon after good levels. They said bleeding in the first trimester happens sometime and just to watch the amount of blood and just wait until my already scheduled ultrasound which was about 10 days away. My bleeding stopped almost immediately and for the next 10 days I had NO bleeding, constant nausea and my bump kept growing. I KNEW I was still pregnant. I went on a retreat with the other pastors wives from my church to Las Vegas (yes, that is super funny, I know) where I had the sweetest time with these sisters. Growing as women and learning to be better daughters of Christ, wives and mothers. It was the best time and I felt super pregnant the whole time. I actually threw up into the puke bag on the plane lol. I looked so pregnant that people off the street would ask me how far along I was. The pregnancy was HARD but my ultrasound was one day away and I was just excited to be reassured. 

OUR SAD NEWS
I had flown back into Dallas the night before my appointment. The next morning we dropped the twins off at preschool and Luke and I took our toddler with us to the appointment. When the doctor began the ultrasound I could immediately see the sac and this time it looked much larger than last time. I was trying to see a baby, and I could tell, my doctor was too. He kept moving the probe around, and said "okay, I can see the sac" he began to measure it and start taking pictures. I was waiting for him to say and theres the baby, but he didn't. He said "unfortunately, I am so sorry, but I don't see the baby." My heart sunk immediately but somehow it didn't register with me until I began to hear him explain. Apparently, when my egg became fertilized, the chromosomes were not correct or healthy enough for the embryo to progress. This is call a blighted ovum. Your body still thinks you are pregnant. My hormone levels increased appropriately, my womb grew and is full of fluid. I have a full formed placenta, I have a sac, I have everything I need, but I no longer have a baby. 

PRAYERS
Tuesday I will have a D&C to get rid of everything that is formed inside me. I am sad about this. I always said if I had the option I would opt to pass naturally but I can't bear to look down at my pregnant tummy and continue to feel sick and know that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. He said I am pregnant enough that the miscarriage would be painful and messy. I don't want to go though that especially if no baby will even be passed. I also don't want to wait around for this process. The doctor said the pregnancy will continue until my body finally figures there is no baby. That could take up to a month. I can't bear to walk around with people asking me about my pregnancy having to explain. At this point, I just want to not feel pregnant anymore. The next steps are waiting for period to come after the D&C and whenever we are ready we can try again. I don't know what this will look like for us yet. I don't know when I will be ready again but I what I do know is God is still good. I know His plan is greater than mine and I know He has drawn me so close to Him through this. I have felt His presence so closely and I am more in love with Jesus than I was yesterday. It has been beautiful to walk through this along side my husband, it has brought us even closer together. It has been beautiful for the twins to process this and for us to say Jesus is still praiseworthy and good. They are sad. They were so excited and now they are having to learn the hardships of life. But they are excited to see their two little siblings in heaven one day.
The most amazing part of this has been seeing Christ's church at work. Guys, the friends and family who have reached out with calls, texts, flowers, meals, prayers and love has been overwhelming. They truly have been the hands and feet of Jesus and I know that God is looking down on them with adoration and thankfulness. They are loving me so well and He delights in that. 
So, right now, I look pregnant, I feel pregnant, and I am pregnant but the major piece in pregnancy is now gone. It is hard to understand but I know that He is so faithful and we will be blessed again when His timing is right and I appreciate this experience. Its painful but this is shaping me into the woman the Lord wants me to be. 
Thank you guys for your love and prayers. If you could please pray for me on Tuesday. That my procedure would go smoothly, that my body would fully heal and that my heart would continue to heal. I had several friends give me different scriptures that my heart has clung to and I wanted to share those verses with you.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  

Isaiah 41:10

Thank you Mia.

In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

1 Peter 1:6-7
Thank you Chelsea.

I had to add words over my belly in this to hide it on my Instagram, but now I just want to remember it.   

Where I am right now...

Where I am right now... Well, I am on the couch, fire going, all three kiddos in bed, Kentucky basketball game on and scrolling around on my laptop while my husband is practicing his sermon (in our closet) Its a good place to be, but where I am IN LIFE right now is so very good as well.

The past 24 hours have been so very sweet. Last night Luke and I hired a babysitter and were able to enjoy a night out. It was so much better than any date we could plan though. My sweet hubby bought us tickets (he was so sweet to pick up on me saying I would like to go a few months ago, and went ahead and bought them. Isn't it so sweet when you know they are listening to the little details of your heart?) to a Bethel music night. I could go on and on about it, but if you aren't familiar with Bethel Music, look them up. They tour around worshipping God in different cities and grew from a church in California. They are WORSHIPFUL, worshipping our creator with so much love, praise and passion. It does the soul so well to be in his presence, led with such excellence, just praising him so intimately. There is no greater place to be than in His presence, and His presence was so strong last night. We heard amazing words from the leaders and lifted our hearts in praise, and lifted them together, which is a real treat since I never really get to worship with my husband, being a pastor's wife, since he is always working while we are at church. It was refreshing and encouraging and left me wanting more of the Lord, which is always a good place to be.

Sweet Luke also took our family for a day trip to Waco today. He is not usually off on Wednesdays but I asked him next time he was, if we could go to Magnolia Market. If you aren't familiar with it, do your self a favor, turn on HGTV and watch Fixer upper. I could go on and on, but just do it and then you will save me lots of words, and will understand why it MADE MY WEEK. I would show you pics of my 2 purchases today but that would require me to upload all my photos and remember, I'm on my couch, and it is quiet, and I am doing really good to type right now :)

But really WHERE I AM.....
I am in the process of fighting a battle, gripping a strong hold and gaining control over a huge battle in my life... my relationship with food. If you have been a long time reader, you would know I lost almost 40 lbs before conceiving the twins (search under nutrition I think) because I wanted to be IN CONTROL of my eating that had spiraled out of control as a late teen and I wanted to be healthy and ready for pregnancy and to battle my PCOS diagnoses. If I could sum up the seasons of my life with food here they'd be...

age 17-23 Started gaining weight when I could drive and make my own choices. Binged on food, self sabotaged, NO working out, and totally overwhelmed.

2011- Joined weight watchers lost all my weight in about 9 months and in the process understood concept of clean eating. LIFE changer. Totally free from food and so happy.

Twins pregnancy- Ate well, treated myself more but still really healthy and in control. 

Nursing twins- Could get away with murder as far as what I could eat, and so I did and remained my tiniest weight the whole time I nursed.

Post Nursing twins- I had gained 10 lbs after weaning them but started a new love for long distance running, and ate really well, and maintained a great weight and overall healthy relationship with food. 

Walker's pregnancy- My first trimester I had several weeks of feeling yuck... this pushed me to carbs and sugar and bam, I fell off the wagon and never really recovered.

Nursing Walker- the most challenging season. Newly autoimmune diagnosis (more on this later) Low milk supply, making working out really difficult and my motivation for eating well was so not there. I got put on steroids and suddenly my 7 lbs of baby weight turned into 20. 

Which is where I found myself now...
NO MORE. I was so unhappy with my weight and more unhappy with how I was doing mentally with food. Binging on sugar and then hating myself later and then repeating the process. I knew only God could give me strength to change and I was ready to change. I know that SO MUCH of how I am doing spiritually is directly related to my stronghold, which mine happens to be food. I was ready to gain control and grow closer to God in the process. I had toyed around with the idea of whole 30 before and decided this was the time to do it. I am doing it with my mom and sister in love and it has been AMAZING ya'll, like I am pretty sure, life changing. I will do a whole post on this when I am complete, but right now I am on day 17/30 and feel SO MUCH more in control of my eating. It hasn't been easy but after the first week, much easier. So I can't wait to share more about the whole 30, share my results and blog on way more things, updates on Walker, our family and my walk with the Lord in general. As always, I pray this brings you some encouragement friends. If you struggle with food pr whatever stronghold you have, know you are not alone. We are all walking these hard journeys.

Well, thats it for now. Going to watch more Making a Murderer on Netflix with my hubs. We just finished all 5 seasons of Downton Abbey in a row and dang friends, it is GOOD. I pray whereever you are in life, you are seeking more of Him. Love to you all!

He gives rest to the weary...

Hello friends.
I am sorry for my lack of posting these days. I have come to realize there are certain seasons of my life that are more blog-able and certain seasons that just aren't. I created this blog in hopes of a baby and God swept me off my feet when he blessed be twice over. Ya'll have been beyond precious in sharing in my joy and journey to their birth. In addition to my pregnancy, this has been a place for overwhelming large amounts of baby pictures as well as some recipes and home decor when I can manage.

Our house is coming along but oh so slowly. If I had a bigger budget I could move faster but I realize staying at home with my sweet peas might slow down my house projects but is SO VERY worth it. Isn't it amazing that we can never be content in our material world? While I am tackling projects left and right, I still don't have one room 100% complete. As soon as rooms becoming complete I will take you on a little house tour :)

My prayer for this blog from the start was to be a place of encouragement. The Lord has blessed me beyond my wildest dreams through ya'll's relations in this blog. I have had countless readers all over the world who struggle with infertility reach out to me on here and my greatest joy has been to be able to relate to women who are hurting in this area. 

I always want to be transparent with ya'll so that God can use me to relate to you in any way. You read about my battle with PCOS and my miscarriage and now I just have to be honest with you that trying for baby number three is beginning to become emotionally difficult. With out going into too much detail about trying for baby three (that is a whole lot of info, enough for a post in itself on a different day) we have been not preventing pregnancy since a year ago today. It was the day after the twins first birthday that we decided we would "just see what would happen" and it has been since January of 2014 that we have been trying with medical help. I am currently in the process of round 4 this year in hopes of another baby. Again, I will give details of our journey later, details that are actually encouraging, but today I just feel weary.

I feel weary that it has already taken longer this time around than it did the first time around. I feel so encouraged that I am able to carry a full term pregnancy but for some reason I thought it would be easier once I was able to already have a pregnancy under my belt. Friends, it so hard when you struggle with infertility. There are so many things that I feel right now that make me feel guilty. Things that only someone who struggle with this could understand. If I said them all out loud it would just sound like a selfish pity party. 

I could go on and on about the goodness of God to me, through this. He has blessed me unimaginably, and I would not change one thing about my road to conceiving the twins. That is why, why it is hard to see now, I know that once I finally do become pregnant again, I will appreciate all the Lord has revealed to me through this specific journey. 

But today, my heart is overwhelmed. It is sad. And it is longing for the desires the Lord has placed on my heart, to have more children. I am sad that I have PCOS and sad that I have to take meds and try so so hard to achieve something that to some women is so very easy. But what gives me joy than anything is to know that He is enough. He is enough. If all that I have is hope in Christ, its all I need. If I look at what I already have on top of all that, my mind is simply blown with His goodness. 

When my heart is overwhelmed like it is today, I can come to Him for rest. And that friends, is a beautiful thing. Jesus, I CAN'T do this on my own. Lord, I need your help. Settle and quiet my heart and let me rest in you.

I know many of you are going through trials WAY more than this. There is so much on my heart with what is going on over in the middle east and I know this post could seem trivial
to some of you in comparison, so my hope is that I did not offend. I am thankful for a God who hears our cries no matter how big or small. 

How many of you sweet friends have days when you need to just rest in Him? Sweet sisters who are reading this right now, and are longing for a sweet baby, He can give you rest.

I'm sure I will wake up tomorrow, sunny and ready to tackle this baby making journey but for now, I need rest.

I'm sorry for my quietness here on the blog. Just know I am sorting a lot in my heart right now and I will be back it again soon!

Love you friends and thanks for hearing me out :)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 

A Grief Observed

I went back and forth in my mind as to whether or not post this entry. I knew I needed to write out the course of this last week but wasn't sure if it was something I wanted to share with all of you. Last Saturday I miscarried a sweet and precious life.
 After lots of prayer, I decided that it is something I should absolutely share with you for many reasons. I know many people, including myself, that choose to wait and share the joyful news of pregnancy until the first trimester is over. I understand the hesitation, as the first 12 weeks are a very venerable time for the developing baby. You don't want to share all of the joy and excitement with everyone you know, especially now with social media you could tell potentially thousands of people and then have to explain the devastation of loss. While painful to express, after lots of prayer I felt the spirit prompt me to share with you our loss so that I could somehow encourage others going through the same thing. I also have nothing to be ashamed about. This was something very sad that happened in my life and I use this blog to share pieces of my life and because so many of my readers have found my blog through their own infertility struggles, I felt it only right to share our grief.

*I hope you understand that because with all my heart, I believe life begins at conception. That is why this is a difficult and emotional loss for my heart. 

I will share our full journey to baby number three whenever God blesses us with that sweet one, but for now, in a nutshell...
1. We have been trying (or should I say, not preventing) for baby #3 since the twins first birthday last August. 
2. We decided if we were not pregnant in 6 months that we would try medications to help ovulation since I have PCOS and do not get cylces with out medication. 
3. We tried a new med similar to Clomid (what we took to conceive the twins) that gives you a slightly lower chance of twins. 
It was our first round of meds and I tested positive for ovulation and before I knew it, it was time to test for pregnancy. With the twins I tested positive for pregnancy 10DPO (days past ovulation.) I began testing with my internet cheapie tests 10DPO this cycle. Day 10, I got a negative but on day 11DPO I felt cramping all day and even a burrowing feeling with weird pinches and pulls and just knew that my little embryo was implanting itself. It takes 24 hours after implantation to receive a positive test and so on day 12DPO, I was overwhelmed with joy to get a POSITIVE PREGNANCY TEST. I had taken a cheap test that morning and it was negative, but just knew I was pregnant. Later that day I pulled out my reserved expensive tests and two different brands both gave me positives. I cried, praised God for his good and perfect gift and was overwhelmed with gratitude to be pregnant our first month on the medication. 

The babies and I went to Kroger and bought some "new baby" balloons. It was a GORGEOUS day here in texas, 75 and sunny. It was one of those days where life just couldn't seem to be ANY better. My precious babies and I headed home, and rang the door bell for Luke. Luke came to the door to answer and I hid around the corner letting the babies carry the balloons to him. He shouted with joy, we hugged and just praised Jesus for being SO GOOD to us. It was two days before Luke's birthday and we spent the next few days dreaming of the baby on the way. It would arrive around thanksgiving, we calculated how old the twins would be when he or she arrived. We affectionately called it "bean" and just fell in love instantly. We share the news with our community group the next day by having Jack Henry and Hadley wear big brother, big sister Tees to our bible study. We face timed and sent pics of the babies in the shirts to our parents and I told my very closest friends, starting with calling my sister in law Ashley, before I even told Luke. I was SO FREAKING OUT and had to tell someone immediately. 

Just pure joy. I went to the Dr. the day after I found out, where I had a blood test that confirmed the pregnancy. My HCG was only at 16 but I had literally been pregnant for TWO DAYS. They said I was very early so they wanted me to come back in on Monday to get another blood test to see how the levels multiplied (they should double every 2 days) Unfortunatly that Monday would not arrive in the same joyful manner that I had imagined.

On Friday night I got into bed and just felt different. I had noticed I wasn't feeling tired like I had earlier in the week. My body really didn't feel differently and I had noticed cramping. I honestly knew deep in my heart that something was horribly wrong. I still hadn't received a positive result on my cheap internet test but they are supposed to give a postive result when HCG levels reached 20. If I was carrying a viable baby then my levels should have doubled and been 30 on Friday so I decided to ease my mind I would take test just to see the positive so I could rest easily. I tested but no line was present and I had really began to feel cramps. 

Luke was already asleep and I crawled back into bed and just began to pray. I knew stress would do nothing positive so I just breathed slowly and just rested in who God was. 

His goodness. 

His sovereignty. 

His love for me. 

I prayed for protection but honestly, I knew what was happening and just prayed for peace. I praised Him for his goodness and just TRUSTED. Nothing had happened yet so I would just rest in His presence until I had reason for worry. I woke up Saturday morning walk with my friend, fellow pastors wife and neighbor. We run together twice a week but had been walking the past few weeks to take it easy on my body. I knew I had to know what was going on and tested on the digital test. The one that reads "pregnant" or "not pregnant" Sure enough, I got the two word result that I had feared. Tearfully I went to Luke and told him what was going on. After a tearful walk where my friend so graciously listen to me process out loud, I returned home to bleeding. I was loosing the baby. I met some community group friends for coffee as they just listened to me cry and share my heart. They were precious. They cried with me, bought me flowers, a hot tea and were simply there. We are not made to go through things like this alone.

 I will spare you the physical details but its 5 days later and my body is still going through loss, my blood levels have still not come down to zero and my sweet Doctor has told me now that this is a long, drawn out miscarriage. It is now too late in my cycle to start drugs again this month. I have more blood work to be done on Monday where I am almost positive my HCG will be back to zero. And this month we will try again, but this time naturally since meds are not an option this month.

 Through my mind were many thoughts racing...

I was sad. I am sad.

I was carrying a life, and now I am not.

After trying for a year with the twins, I could breath easily on month one knowing we had achieved pregnancy. And then we lost it.

But here is what else is going on in my brain...

I have been pregnant TWICE. Once with the twins and with this last pregnancy and BOTH times occurred with the very first month of ovulation. My body needs help, but when it does what it is supposed to, I respond WELL.

I was pregnant! This is victory even if there was loss.

I feel like if I had to go through miscarriage, I was spared even more of pain by loosing this sweet one so very early. (4.5 weeks)

I have two GORGEOUS gifts in Jack Henry and Hadley and I am already blessed more than I even should be.

And the most important TRUTHS...

God is good through this. He BLESSED me with a sweet baby who most likely didn't develop chromosomally correct. That baby now is restored in full with Jesus instead of being here on earth, broken.

The Lord gives life and the Lord allows life to fade but I will praise Him through everything as He is the giver of life and his ways are always good, even when I can't see past my own circumstances.

My brother in law Matt D is  loving on his niece or nephew. Thank you LORD

In God's perfect timing we will bring another life into this world and raise them to love Christ.

I have TWO BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY babies. This has made things immeasurably easier than if I had lost a baby, childless. I do not take my healthy babies for granted. They are miracles and this has made me realized that even more.

I have spent two days being very sad. I allowed myself that time and now I am going to move forward. I will still have sad moments, and thats okay but I am moving forward and focusing on my Jesus, my husband and my babies. We will wait for his PERFECT timing and trust Him fully.

Most importantly, thank you for your prayers. Thank you for listening. I wanted to acknowledge what happend to ya'll and not pretend it never happened. It was probably way more than you wanted to know but it will bless me down the road to be able to reference back to this season of my life.

Whatever you are going through in life NOTHING is too difficult, sad, bad, wrong, impossible or unworthy for God to handle through Christ Jesus. 

Love you readers :)

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
    and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
    may the name of the Lord be praised.” Job 1:21

Job 33:28

"God rescued me from the grave, and now my life is full of light."

Toxic Words...

God is so gracious in sharing His word with me and speaking into my life and specific situations with scripture just when I need it most. 

Have you heard of She Reads Truth? It is an AWESOME site that gives you scripture reading plans and a short devotional to go with it each day. You can learn more about it with this short video Here. It is created especially for women and you can discuss what you are learning together. Very cool.

I came across the current reading plan called Soul Detox. I was intrigued and couldn't believe what God would reveal to me when I needed it most.

I have had some hurtful things being commented on this blog recently. I know by putting my life out there on the world wide web, I am subjecting my self to criticism but I didn't know quite how to handle my emotions when hearing these hurtful words. I have been praying the past several days and was SO thankful that God answered me through She Reads Truth.... 

"Even as you strive to stop saying toxic words to others, you will still have to deal with toxic words being said to you. As a result, you must do what God's Word tells us to do when others speak toxic words to us: you must guard your heart against them."

How will you guard your heart against toxic words?

I will pray for those who say harsh words to me, guard my heart and continue to strive to use this blog as a source of encouragement to my readers. God is so very good and JOYFUL life will be used to bring him glory no matter what :) 

34 Weeks

We are thrilled to say that we made it to our first "worst-best case scenario" goal. These babies have been viable for the past 10 weeks but chance of survival and a long NICU stay would have been two scary realities. Our doctor has said all along that once the babies get to 34 weeks, they tend to do very well. Obviously, the longer we can keep them growing inside of me, the better. They will be much better feeders the longer they are in me and just more mature and ready to be in this world. Our next goal is 36 weeks which is considered "full term twins" and then if I haven't gone into labor by 38 weeks, I will be induced. So as of today, I am 34 weeks and 3 days and have a MAXIMUM of 3 weeks and 4 days left. That is 24 days! WOW! 

Our doctors appointment went well. As you can see, I posted our big growing babies weights below which we were thrilled about! These are estimated weights and can be off by as much as a pound, but we will take it! Hadley is still head down and Jack Henry turned from head down to transverse again, but still a vaginal birth plan. They both scored perfect on their biophysical exams and Jack Henry's fluid is back to be considered high but they are just going to continue to monitor. I get swabbed next week for beta strep and will definitely begin cervical checks next week. We give all glory to God for such a wonderful pregnancy.

Nothing has really changed from last week, so I decided not to post my little "weekly fact" deal. I am feeling larger than life and we have or next appointment this tuesday, July 24th.

Would you please join me in praying for my friend Mandy? She is now 25 weeks pregnant with her twins and was admitted to the hospital earlier this week for pre-term labor. She will be staying in the hospital for the remainder of her pregnancy which we hope will be many many more weeks. 

We can't begin to thank you all enough for continuing to keep our family in your prayers after the loss of my husband's brother. We are feeling a peace that surpasses all understanding and watching the body of Christ come together has been just beautiful. We all have a giant whole in our hearts that won't ever be full again until we reunite with Matt and the Lord in eternal life. If this has taught our family anything it would be the URGENCY in having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. We are not promised tomorrow and the only thing worth living for on this earth is Jesus. He is the way the truth and life and no one can go to the father except through him. He is aching to know you, won't you please give him your heart and walk with him daily in a life of obedience? 

Tebow Time

We were so blessed to hear Tim Tebow tonight at a CCU fundraiser! What a Godly and wonderful man! So happy to have such an influential role model to advance the kingdom. Love him!

Prayers Answered... (LONG)

I would like to update you on our past couple of weeks and thank you ALL for your faithful prayers...


Two weeks ago, April 3rd, we had an appointment at my OBGYN with an ultrasound for the big anatomy scan. I was exactly 19 weeks and was so excited to get to see the babies and confirm their genders (we had an early gender scan an an ultrasound three weeks before.) For those of you who don't know, an anatomy scan is usually done between 18-20 weeks and for women carrying one baby, this is often their first ultrasound, sometimes their only ultrasound and gender can also be determined at this time. Because of the frequent ultrasounds that come with twin pregnancies, this was our 4th ultrasound and to me, just another opportunity to see our sweet ones. What many women, including myself don't think about, is that this is also a diagnostic scan... they basically look at all organs and bones of baby's body and make sure everything is developing appropriately. They are kind of looking for anything "wrong". We had our scan, and the ultrasound tech acted as if everything was perfect. 


We then went into the exam room and waited quite a while for the doctor to come back and see us. As he entered the room, I remember him saying "Well, everything looks perfect with your little girl, we did find a couple concerns with your little boy." My heart sank and the rest of the appointment was almost an out-of-body experience. I am a pretty laid back person and never assume the worst, I don't think that is a good way to go about life. However, sometimes I am so "sunny" that I assume everything will be perfect, and I completely assumed and felt as if good health of our babies would be an absolute given. 


He went on to explain that he found some "bright spots" on baby boy's heart, bowel and kidneys and they can be indicators of downs syndrome. He handed me a paper that had FAQ's on an Echogenic Intracaiac Focus. He said many times its just a calcium build up on the heart, and that everything is usually okay but the fact that they found spots on his bowel and kidneys led them to the conclusion that I should see a maternal fetal medicine group for a level 2 ultrasound. All I heard was potential chromosomal abnormalities and here is a paper! I felt sick, the fact that something COULD be wrong with one of our babies broke my heart. I spent the next 48 hours trying to absorb all of this, shedding many tears and praying many prayers.


Being a nurse, I overrode my better judgment and decided to google what this condition was (this is usually a bad idea, as it usually gives you the worse case scenario and scares you to death, but I couldn't help it.) Echogenic spots are any kind of bright spot that shows up on an ultrasound and they are considered to be "soft makers" for chromosomal abnormalities. Hard markers for Down's include clubbed feet, extra skin folds on the neck, absence of nasal bone, short femur bones and heart defects. We knew our baby had none of these. The more I googled, the more encouraging stories I found. Most of these spots were nothing, and often went away in the third trimester. Technology is getting so advanced that it is starting to pick up every little thing... 10 years ago, these would never be detected unless they were SO big that chromosomal abnormalities were almost a given.


I can't tell you how God used this scary time in my life and turned it into a beautiful season of reliance upon Him. The first two days I kept feeling like this was a bad dream that I needed to wake up from, and every time I felt this, I would lift my concerns up to Him and lay them at his feet. The night of our ultrasound I went to bible study and told the ladies in my group what was going on. I was emotionally broken and was so thankful as they laid their hands on me and prayed for our sweet babies. The study that night was when God takes you to a "wilderness"... a dark, scary or uncertain time of your life. We learned why God does this, the purpose behind it and how to manage your way through these wilderness seasons of life. I spent the next two weeks thanking God for bringing me to this scary place. Had everything been fine, there is no way I would turn to Him in such a humble place of dependence. I was so thankful to be in a place where I NEEDED God. TRULY needed him, so much so, there would be no way I could get through the net few weeks with out His comfort, strength and guidance. God often brings you to these vulnerable points in life so that He can reveal his miraculous goodness. I prayed that God would miraculously heal our baby boy. Our will and God's will do not always line up, and I knew that he might choose to give us a special needs baby. I often pray for God's will but I also know that we serve a miraculous, powerful, almighty God who is ABLE and sometimes we have to pray EXPECTING God's goodness. My prayers consisted of a healing request, but an understanding that if this was NOT God's plan, then I would PRAISE him and give him GLORY for giving us a special needs child. God does not make mistakes and if this was his plan for us I would gladly accept it and would love my baby no less. Every parent wants every opportunity for their baby, so of course his health was a desire of mine, but I also knew that I would Praise God NO MATTER what the circumstance may be. The next 2 weeks were a beautiful time of humbly coming before God, asking for his miracles and thanking him for ALL things. I was so at peace.


Two weeks FLEW by and before I knew it, it was tuesday night and my mom came in to Cincinnati so she could be with Luke and I at the ultrasound on Wednesday. Wednesday morning came and my stomach was very nervous as I waited for our appointment but as the morning passed, peace overcame me. We went to the maternal fetal medicine place and were escorted to the ultrasound room where we began the scan. The tech was so sweet and explained things as she went along, every step of the way. It was basically just like my anatomy scan the week before, she just spent more time and gave more explanation. She first scanned baby A, our little girl, and everything looked perfect. While she was scanning her, I kept dreading the idea of what we might find on baby boy, but by the time we were ready to start scanning baby boy, I had relaxed and felt SO peaceful with the whole thing. We began to scan baby Boy and everything was looking good. We got to the heart, bowel and kidneys and she said she could MAYBE see what they might have thought looked funny, but in fact, it was NOTHING. The spots were not even bright enough to be considered echogenic. She said the "bright" spot they saw on the ultrasound were his heart muscles (chordae tendineae) which are skinny long strings that when close together, can show up "bright". She said the there were NO bright spots on the bowel OR the kidney and that everything looked fine. All I could do was to keep praising God, thanking Him for answered prayer! The doctor then came back to the room and spoke with me and told me that they tried their hardest to find something wrong, but couldn't find anything because everything was perfectly healthy. This doctor had the sweetest spirit and best bedside manner. She told me with my age, and perfect ultrasound that my risk for downs was that of anyone else's, extremely low. She answered any questions I had an told me that the case was closed, and that I had nothing to worry about.


Thanks be to God! He is SO good and revealed himself to me in such a POWERFUL way during this time. You can never know light, with out first experiencing darkness. I am so thankful to all of you who have been praying, I know you showed up in MASSES and God heard you. Thank you so much. It puts things into perspective and I couldn't be more thankful for the news we received today. May ALL the glory go to Him. 

Fun ultrasound facts...
Baby A (girl) weighed 15 oz. and was measuring right on time. She is head down, which is GREAT, hopefully she will stay like this. Baby A is closest to my cervix so as long as she is head down on delivery day, I can attempt a vaginal birth.


Baby B (boy) is measuring one day ahead and weighed 16 oz. The doctor was so pleased that they are so similar in size. With twins you can often have one weighing much more than the other. He is transverse (sideways, above baby A) right now, so hopefully by delivery day he will decide to join his sister, head down.)

Baby Girl Above

Baby B above

  
I will be announcing baby names soon :)

Church Camp and Chicken with Spinach and Melted Mozerella

I spent last week as the camp Nurse at our 4th and 5th grade church camp. It was SUCH a blessing to create relationships with so many sweet people. I am so mad at myself for only getting my camera out for one night...

and then our dinner last night (taken with my phone)...

1. Grill a boneless skinless chicken breast.

2. Sautee some baby spinach with some EVOO and garlic.

3. Top chicken breast with spinach and sprinkle with mozzarella cheese and roasted red peppers. 

4. Place on baking sheet and bake in the oven at 400 for 7 mins or until cheese becomes golden.

Enjoy!